When all the papers are over, I'm going to devote all my time to creating. Writing, reading, drawing, making postcards, taking photographs - basically anything that includes an element of creation.

And I might finally start on the little project that's been brewing in my mind for quite a while. Maybe it'll teach me to be independent.

Sometimes I just feel the need to pick myself up and start doing something good about my life. Disappointments, wants, mistakes, being a burden, all too many. Need to start making conventions, invent rules only I can live by. Creating. Even making things that I can proudly call my own. A sense of ownership, ownership of my own life. To grab life by the reins and tug hard and make myself worth living for.

Ha!

How could I forget! I got my driver's license on Tuesday. Good times ahead!

Ramblings.. and a lie to myself.

You know that feeling, when you read what you've written previously, and you think back, and wonder to yourself, was that really me? Was I really going through that torrent of emotions just four months back? Has life changed, since? It's quite amusing to know that us humans have this innate since of retrospection. It just comes naturally, to want to compare your now-self with your before-self. I guess we are all judgmental creatures, and a bit of self-critique wouldn't hurt, would it?

It is inherently about whether we are better off than we were before. Are we happier. Are we more at ease with those around us. Have things been going smoothly, or have they been becoming worse? But there's a part of me which is screaming out to be heard: isn't this all about you and wanting to douse yourself in self-pity? All these endless questions about one's worth and one's abilities. Why put yourself through all these when really, all that's important is to be happy with what you already own and you already have?

Frankly speaking, I don't know what sparked off this little tirade I'm having within me. They're just observations. About myself, and this thing called human nature. It's funny how one can judge the world for all it is and at the end of the day, be at odds with yourself. I wonder if I actually do make sense to anybody else.

So life has been pretty. The teaching stint ended (I don't know why but the rarity in which I update this space has resulted in the demarkation of my life into these things called 'stints') and apart from fourteen days of exploring the motherland, or China as it is more commonly known, I've been lounging around and taking life as it is. I've also been entertaining lots of crazy ideas in my head about the future, but now with school starting really soon for me, I don't know if any of those could ever come to fruition.

And once again, I make a promise to myself to write more. But whether this is a white lie or not, only time can tell.

Ma.lig.nant

School got tougher. Teaching got tougher. Either one of them, I can't really tell which. I went back baring my soul, showing my earnestness, and thinking that my sincerity and efforts would be the light guiding me forward.. but that didn't hold out after the first three weeks. Maybe I, the egg without the shell, was a mistake afterall.

I was told to build barriers around me to protect myself, but what I think I have done was to build walls instead. All these walls... unnecessary yet practical, redundant but vital, as I was told. Why are these people so keen on helping me lay the bricks? They are protective, I know. They are doing their bit to shelter me, but did I need it? Why should I, a confident and unfazed individual with my own values of discernment, suppress my words and keep mum? I know I will not cross the line, but why do these people, who don't know me too well at all, keep pointing that line out to me as though I was incapable of controlling my own actions?

And then there are those who don't give me space and intrude upon me, pushing me into corners and asking me offensive things that even the walls will frown in dismay upon hearing them words being whispered. I am not deserving of this.. I am not a brunt for people to deal their blows on, I am not.

Thank you for letting me rant in complete sentences. I promise happier posts in the time to come.